mhsdreamer1129

you know when you cant sleep cuz you miss them too much? or when you are doing something and they cross your mind? or how about when you watch a movie that had nothing to do with them and then all of a sudden you burst into tears because you miss them and want them so much? it definately sucks. I thought i was okay. and i thought wrong. no matter what i do, i miss him. i was good for a while, but then all of a sudden just hit a wall where i dont let anyone in anymore. ive hit my breaking point.

i know things will never go back to the way they were with him. and that's okay. i'm learning to accept it. it jsut sucks having to accept it when i know there is more to be done here. maybe i really do have a problem letting go. maybe i need him more than he realizes. maybe he does too, but won't say anything. fat chance, but it's nice to dream.

i miss you so much, every day.

and i'm sure im going to get questions on this blog post. so whatever. if you have a problem, ask me.

i think people need to learn where they stand. If I tell you something in confidence, fuckin keep it to yourself. I don't understand why you have to blab it to the entire world when I tell it to you in confidence. I dont understand why this happens to me.

my life is a living hell right now, and it doesnt get any better. I lost someone i fuckin cared about more than my own life, and he just up and walked away. something has got to be wrong with me. honestly. this is absolute bullshit.

i love being an RA. I love having my own room, , no roommate, and the luxury of my own space, like im living in my own apartment..minus the apartment idea. hah.

Yesterday was the day from HELL, if u wanna talk shitty days. I was locked out of my room, in front of my residents. It took the fucking locksmith a million yrs to get here. so then i went to lunch, and it was good. got back here, and had to do laundry. then i had resident after resident knocking on my door, which i do not mind, but i didnt start my HW till after 1130. So when i crawled into bed at 2, i was wiiide awake.

I have class at 8 tomorrow, and honestly, am not lookin forward to the bullshit they call classes tomorrow. I have so much to do tomorrow, and im not going to be able to sleep till this weekend, if im lucky..oh cuz im on duty tomorrow. fuck my life in the asshole. :)

oh, and for the record, i really miss having him around. i was the best when i was with him, and now there isnt a shot in hell. :-\ i guess i have to give up. but i dont want to because i like havin him around.. :(

new reality TV show: Kat's Life: The Shitshow.

So...lets see. in the past 4 days...hmm...

i thought my life was going to fall apart...only because the guy who im head over heels for is going for a drug test on wednesday before his pretrial...and he thinks he's gonna fail..meaning he'd be locked up. the story is too long for me to even bother writing..and it doesnt matter. all i know is if he gets locked up, im going to go insane.

my floor partner for RA this year cant make training, or the first 2 weeks of school..because he "has mono." i hope he's serious and not making up yet another excuse to not come to school. whatever.

im pretty much packed for school. just some laundry left to do, pack up the cars, and im outta here!:)

speaking of carsss....my father came to me last night and told me that if i took over his car payments of $XXX.XX a month that I could have his car! hah a car of my own...its his honda element...but its a car..and honestly, id be happy with a box on wheels, which it is.. hahaha. so yeah. id have a car to get back and forth to schoooool!

anywayyyy. getting back to my storyy. school. im pretty much packed. i'll finish the laundry tomorrow and tuesday and apck it up tuesday night. godd if feels like i just moved home! but i cant wait to move outtt again. i hate it here. i hate living in the constant shelter from the entire world. it blows.

ohhhhhhh update....i saw the Backstreet Boys Thursday August 14th at Mohegan sun...in CT...funny thing wasss..i saw BSB on August 14th, 2005 at the Tweeter Center in Mansfield.....HHAHAHA weird how the dates were the same! :) ahha its meant to be. i lvoe them. the show was PHENOMENAL! :) ohh man i didnt sit down once, and i sang every song. i lvoeeee themmm!!!!!

well, im pretty sure i'll end up writing later..im doing some goodbyes tonight..:( sucks having to say goodbye for 3 months :( anwyayyy....byeee :)

ever just sit and wonder, what the hell?!

life has it's ups and downs, but there are always ways to get around them. COMMUNICATION. for starters.

secondly, i dont understand where this all came from. what ever happened to openness? i didnt do anything, so what the fuck is wrong?

i hate this. good thing theres only another 4 days left living in this hellhole.

I place all my trust in my closest friends. Granted, I may put too much trust in some people, but I mean, I trust 99.9% of my friends. I thought I could trust even my closest friends. I guess I was wrong.

I'm a freshman, almost sophmore, in COLLEGE. That doesn't say high school. So the drama created that I get pulled into needs to stop making an appearance. I'm done with it. I'm moving on from the over excess of drama. If you have to feast on drama to stay friends with me, maybe you should reevaluate our friendship.

There are 3 weeks left of the school year. These 3 weeks are going to fly, byt they are going to be filled with work. I don't need the added stress of weeding out my friends. That's ridiculous.

This first year living away from home has been a huge learning experience for me. I have learned that the truth stays in place, no matter what.

Part of my issue this year is that most of my friends were/are girls. I get along so much better with guys because there's no drama. Guys don't do drama. They get mad and let it go.

Anyway, I can't wait till this summer. So excited!!! I get to spend time with the AMC VIP crew!!! And there's next to no drama surrounding me because we are all mature enough to talk about it (for the most part.).

Oh--PS...the huge party im having is being changed to May 23-25. Don't like it? Don't come. I need to work that weekend, and I don't trust people in my house without me there. Hmm...trust...what a word.

i just need to get this out. i fucking hate life right now. has nothing to do with boyfriend. has everything to fucking do with my shitty life. and how i have so much due in the next week that its sicckening. and how i am being treated like a fucking child. this is bullshit. im done. cant wait till this semester is over. life will be so much easier. i hate fighting, but it seems to be what goes on these days.. wow. sucks.

im just so fucking done. its ridiculous. damned if i do, damned if i dont. hmm...shitty.

whatever. 4 more weeks and im outta this bullshit hell hole for a few months.

fuck that.

so yeahh...about that last entry...

i talked to the boy...and we talked..believe me...i think it was a little over 2 hours in total that we talked...

anyway...i realized that he wasnt doing that to hurt me. he was doing it to keep his options open and meet new people. he called me on it. he was all "i think u need to chill..you're too jealous.."blah blah blah. i was a little jealous. but thats all because i wanted him for me...mine...someone to call my own...whatever...i got in too deep without the other person...:-\

so last night...i went out with him..just chillen..talking...what ever...he fell asleep...it was also 1:30 in the morning so obviously we were tired...he asked me if he could crash here at the dorm and i said of course...because i didnt want him getting into an accident because he was tired...

something i should probably mention is that umm...this kid has graduated from BSC...and is here for grad school...so...hes like 4 and a half years ahead of me...its okay...:)

anyway...we drove back to the dorm...then he chickened out...he didnt want to come into the dorm because it is strictly freshmen...he felt weird...after about 20 minutes of begging...he didnt come up. so he hugged me and gave me a kiss goodnight...and went on his way..

so from this, i have learned that i NEED to trust in order to have a relationship. if i dont trust, then im always questioning. thats never good....so im going to give him another chance...because i can forgive...<3

so when you start to trust someone, dont put your whole heart out there....

i met this wicked great guy who i thought was going to be the best thing to happen to me in my first week of college...he was romantic, cute, and cared about my opinion...so i went with it. i started to trust him.

it is very hard for me to trust any guy because i have had personal incidents where i have an issue putting trust in people who i do not really know all too well...just some background...

back to my life crisis..........

so, i see this guy for 4 nights straight. we spend about 3-4 hours together every night...walking around campus and whatnot...we talked about everything...he also opened my up to an idea i never had before. laying under the stars...how romantic right??

WRONG!

not only did he have all the right moves, he had all the right things to say. always complimenting me...telling me i meant a lot to him...almost at relationship status...stupid fucker....so i left it alone. didnt worry about it...till yesterday.

i am walking back to my dorm, all excited and what not (i was on hickey #4...)because i had an older guy (he was a few years older.....:-\)...who cared...i walked by my friend's room and said my usual heyy..they asked how things were going with "the boy" and i was on cloud 9. she started asking me what was going on in the situation...then she told me that she was talking to a guy who seemed to be exactly the same way....

yeahh...hes playing me....and you dont fuck with me and then get away with it. sorry. not something i allow.

yeah..he txts her, IMs her, messages her on facebook...whatever...she is done with him, as am i. after tomorrow, when i finally get up the guts to talk to him about it, i am not talking to him again. i dont need to waste my time on someone who doesnt tell me the truth..

and for the record, he asked me sunday night if i trust him..and i said i was starting to...and now this shit...i dont think so...sorry buddy...i have the upper hand. not you...

so good luck with all your games, babe. hope it works out for u and u meet someone who will play u the same way u play every girl u meet....

so i moved into the dorm yesterday...at the beautiful Bridgewater State College...

i cannot be happier...i am meeting tons of new people and living with 2 of the coolest people!!!

missing home a lot, but not to worry..i'll be home in 6 weeks...i promise!

a lot has happened since i wrote..holy crap!

so all summer, i worked...no joke...5-6 days a week..sometimes 4 straight days of work. not omcplaining though...saved some money for school...in doing so, i have enabled myself to spend so much each week..go me!

besides working crazyy hours, i also partied...hard...with my work ppl...miss u guys!!! i have never had so much fun at a party than when i party with my AMC crew...good times..

started seeing a certain someone ;) miss u babe!!! so yeah..im pretty much a happy camper with a side of laziness...

So...when a teenager's parents go away for a weekend, what is the first thing they think about?


RIGHT! a party...that didnt happen that weekend..instead, that weekend was more of a learning weekend...

I woke up Saturday morning to a flooded bathroom. Oh yea..it was great..I had to leave for play rehearsal, so i put towels down all around the toilet. I left rehearsal early to come home and play plumber. That was not fun. I got soo stressed.

I went to work and everything seemed awesome. I got a visit from a friend who was supposed to be feeding the dog. The cops showed up at my house...and i wasnt there to fend for her. Ugh. I cried for at least 10 minutes and felt like an idiot.

Anyway..i came home and spray painted my ceiling for about a million years. After going to bed with ZERO hours of sleep,i got up to clean the house for the open house we were having that day. And let me tell you, when I walked into the kitchen where my stain was from the water, there was white dust everywhere. I was NOT a happy camper.

The realtor showed up and was like (with his amazingly beautiful smile ) "I will just tell people you had a huge party and everyone threw beer on the ceiling. " I almost died. I was a happy camper.

Okay...so that was the weekend from hell...

i cant tell you how much i love my job. when im not there, i want to be. the people i work with are amazing!!!! they make me smile no matter what, and i smile a lot!!!

I cant really think of anything else to add to this at the moment...except for the fact that I <3 my co-workers ;) haha

thats all for now...
i'll write more laterrr :-P

<3 Kat

I love you 08.31.06

^^ one of the best days of my life!! haha

*PLEASE NOTE* This message is explaining the previous entry and adding more that was not there before :)

So...work...is...AMAZING!...I can't even tell you how much I love this job. The people are great and I could not think of a better way to spend my time. All of my managers are supportive of my slowness..haha..well, my learning slowness. The staff is just as supportive. I am, however, the baby @ work. I am the youngest person hired there. Yay for Kat.

You are probably wondering about the guy I met at the beginning of the summer. He was great, everything I wanted in a guy. I think, honestly, it was my fault we didn't work. I think he thinks I'm crazy. That's how that works. He was scared because I am an honest, open person. Ehh, whatever. I am okay with everything now. No big deal.

Band Camp is the epitamy of my summer. It is the worst week in the entire world. I hate this week. However, this year, is my *tear* final band camp. WOOT!!!!! I hate band a lot recently. I started to hate it after our Pirates year. The staff has changed so much, and I can't even begin to tell you how much the drama makes me mad. oh god. It's bad. I try very hard not to get involved. Sometimes, it's not that easy. I am a problem-solver. If I have beef, I let you know and we talk about it. Some people like talking crap behind other people's backs. I find that to be a negative way to run a 120-piece band. But then again, I have no say in anything because I am a senior who isn't as dedicated as others I have been told. So, All I have to say is, once it falls through, and I offered help and it was not taken, NOT my problem. I have nothing to offer you if you did not take my advice in the beginning. I want this year to be a GREAT year. We ARE going to Disney World this year, so I want our show to be one that sticks with people for a while...in the words of Dane Cook--"You F*c*ing Remember Me!"...That's how I want Methuen High School's marching band to be...a lasting impression. I, however, am a loser with no friends in band because I am just not cool enough. Oh well. I'm almost done!!

Which brings me to my next topic..SENIOR YEAR!!!!! It's going to fly by soo fast, and before we know it, we will be standing inside the stadium at 9 o'clock on a Thursday (May 31 to be EXACT) morning preparing to march in and be moved on to the next level of schooling...COLLEGE! woot..I can not wait until college. I will not have to deal with loser people who decide to create a huge dramatic scene EVERY TIME i talk to them. (Here I go with the band thing again...oy..)...but my final year of high school is going to be one that I will never forget. I am planning on filling up my 250 pictures memory card PLUS my 113 pictures memory card for my camera in about a week, then uploading them and moving on to the next week. I want to remember every second of my senior year, and hopefully, make a scrapbook next summer of it. Not that I am finished the one I started a million years ago. but whatever. I will finish it in time.

Speaking of time, I think it's time to have a moment. Today, being August 8, 2006, has a special place in my heart. 10 years ago today, my father had a heart attack at 33, and was told he was not going to make it. Dad, still around today, has had multiple stent implants, angioplasties, and finally, a bypass that has helped him in his fight against CHD. CHD stands for Coronary Heart Disease, and is genetic. Just recently, my grandfather (dad's dad) had a bypass in FL. He now has Parkinson's Disease and Non-Hodgkins Limphoma. There was no record of CHD in my family, until Dad opened that window. I love my dad so much, and thank God every day that he is still here to tell me that I am too young to like guys, too short, and stuff like that. It hurts sometimes, but I know that it is all out of love.

I think that's all for now. I am planning on getting back to writing almost daily, but no promises. I will try my hardest. Now I am off to attempt to start an online photo album where friends can see some of the crazyy pictures I have taken. That's all for now, however, so please feel free to comment on this or any of my entries, and thanks for reading.

-*-Kat-*-

Hey all

I only have a few minutes then I need to get back to work...

A lot has happened since the last time i wrote in this. I have had an interesting weekend this weekend. And the past few weeks have been gruesome.

However, i got a job. I was on the hunt for a new one after i left the daycare and i found one. I am now working at a local movie theater. The entire crew is fabulous and the movie perks are even better :)

I met someone at the beginning of the summer. Yeah, Kat met someone. He didnt last very long, but its okay. Maybe we are better off without each other.

Only a few weeks until Band Camp (yuck!) then a few weeks after that, SENIOR YEAR BABY!!! woot woooot

Hahaa..thats all for now, the next post will be longer :)

-*-Kat-*-

So it's been a while since I've written....there's alot that has happened too!!! oh gosh!

For starters...

Mother's Day weekend was great..nice weather..except for ALL THE RAIN!So it rained so bad there was flooding everywhere...and as a family tradition, we all go to a local Ice Cream stand with friends. Well, there wasnt really anyone there..so...we ate ice cream and went back to a friend's house..school was cancelled for that Monday...

Monday morning, the rain hadn't stopped. We were hoping that by Tuesday we would be back in school. Monday afternoon, i went to lunch with my parents and their friends. We were all discussing that the "worst" would never happen to us. The "worst" in this situation would be to have to evacuate our home. When we came home, the worst had happened. The National Guard was sitting in front of my house...it was a mandatory evacuation and it was freakin scary!

I left and went to my best friend's house...we were up late, keeping watch on the "Dam" spicket O:) and having a GREAT time :0). I went home Wednesday morning to a house that had no damage, other than a little ground water. no big!

So an entire week off of school got us an extra few days tagged on to the end of the year. WOOT!...thats all good though..because i get to spend time with my favorite bio teacher EVER!! ahhaa Smitty! haha...

Anyway, back to my story!...we went back to school Monday morning, after a suprise, yet much needed week off. It was weird. I am not going to lie. so..that was my "May vacation"...

Graduation was rained out 3 nights in a row. On the 4th night, a Monday night, i was unable to attend..so..i just want to shout out to the seniors...CONGRATS & GOOD LUCK!!! That kid i wsa talking about..that's going to the Marines did not graduate. So, this means that he has to go to summer school to get the graduation credits to go into the Marines..:0(..poor baby! Well, that gets me more time..i know...im a selfish biatch..its okay..i can take it!

So, what's happened lately to me? well, lets see...NOTHING!...oh wait..i lied..i discovered how two faced some people can be...but ehh whatever..thats band for ya..a bunch of losers in the same room at the same time...sweet...

Our new marching show this year, in case anyone cares, is the Millenium Celebration from Epcot in Disney World, FL. WHAT WHAT!?! haha..i am attempting to go for drum major, which is the person who conducts the band as they march around the field. So, i am hoping i beat the competition this year..:0) i can make it..i need to practice..so..that is what i am going to do...practice...

feel free to leave me comments..i love readin em! not that anyone leaves anything..but whatever...

Another Day....

(wicked good RENT song by the way...)

ANYWAY---

Today was an okay day. I can't say that i enjoyed the day immensly...but it was okay. I mean, i got out of bed, what more could u ask for?? (A CAR MAYBE?!?!?!Oh no..not that..bc im going to college soon..balh blah blah)...

So...today...i went to spanish.took a test..kinda sorta didnt study but kinda sorta did amazing because thats just how i am. umm...my spanish teacher is a FRUITCAKE AND A HALF...so i dont really care about that class. mehh..watever..

Algebra was fun today. We worked in groups and reviewed for the test tomorrow. Algebra is mad easy to me..well, some of it...except for the SAT stuff...ew... *NOTE* Desiree likes a kid who is italian but she feels is brazilian..GET YOUR EYES CHECKED HUN!!! :) jk..love u!! :)

English was interesting today..all i did was take a quiz on the first act of Hamlet and define like..10 vocab words..then begin reading Act II..because that is what my HW is...SPARKNOTES HERE I COME :)

Chemistry long block..oh my god..had to take a test and i almost fainted..i studied all of lunch and by the time i got to class, i thought i forgot everything! Then, i walked into the classroom and sat down..took the test, and feel like i aced it!!! PLEASE GOD!!! :)

Band..last block = DHI!!! WOOOTTT!!!!! omg...i love them..i want to be their groupie!! hahah theres an idea! haha..they are a group composed of 21 students that bang on everything from trash barrels to xylophones. They are amazing..and Miss L.Mac did her Irish Step..i wish i could do that. She's my hero..and i love her..

Getting dismissed from classes five minutes early may not seem like a lot..but let me tell u..u learn of soo many things..like..for example, i went to my locker after school and a friend of mine said "THERE'S GONNA B A FIGHT!!"...who knew! (i was later informed by my sister attatched @the hand when it is spitting pouring outside that there was not fight...)

So i believe that is all for now..OMG..just kidding!!! The ONE TREE HILL season finale was on last nite..and oh my god...there better be another season.Rumor has it that it mite be cancelled..BETTER NOT BE! i'll scream...

i think thats all for now.,..if i think of anything, i will write again...

*-*-Kat-*-*

In regards to the last message i left...

I dont want to seem like a total loser when i say this, but I write to relieve my stress. I don't mean to get people worrying about me. That is not my goal. I write my feelings, and sometimes they can be absolutely negative.

Ashley--I am so sorry for worrying you. I am okay. I don't think i would be if you werent worrying about me. I love you...and even those words dont seem like enough to me...you are always here for me and i can't thank you enough...God has truly blessed me with a best friend who understands me...and would join me in dancing with my vaccuum. ;)

Yesterday was a very rough day for me. A lot happened at once and if i voiced it out loud, things would have been said that I wouldn't have meant. When I write, i get my feelings out...i promise who ever is reading this that the negativity will be kept to a minumum, as it should have been in the first place.

So...besides what was mentioned above...umm...today was an amazing day...i did NOTHING in school!! i had history first block...all we did was go over our final project of the year...not our FINAL as in the test...but our final project...its the same project i did last year...too bad i didnt save it..hah..we also labeled a map on Vietnam..thats a lot for an honors class huh??

Then i travelled to Chemistry..my LEAST FAVORITE CLASS!...come to find out my "A" average is now a 67.7 average because i got a 44 on a test...wow...CHEM STINKS LIKE OLD TUNA! (dunno..???)...so then i sat in class for an hr and did NOTHINg but talk to my friends..bc it was the day before a test..and he doesnt want to confuse us so he makes us sit and "study" with our friends. hahaha wat a crazy guy!

Then Algebra2... I LOVE this class...Mrs. Rumshottel is by far the best math teacher i ahve ever had. She makes me laugh...makes the class a lot easier to handle, and heck, she named her PINK ruler PINKY!!! :) we both have a thing for the color pink...She's jsut an amazing teacher. And all we did was SAT algebra..which, if u ask me...is as easy as buttering toast! (if u cant butter toast, come talk to me..i'll teach u..after i dope slap u ;) )

Theory 2 Long block was a joke and a half. I took 1st lunch instead of 4th bc "G" said we could. So, i jumped at the opportunity and umm...had lunch with Derek...which suddenly changed to other ppl because again i was ignored..but that is okay. i talked to him before the fact so i am spectacular...anyway...theory 2 i sat in the band room for an hr and a half with my grl Steph (luv u chick!!!)..we chatted for a bit..then went in the auditorium to watch the Lycombing College Band practice...

Band..last block..woot...we sat in the auditorium and watched the Lycombing College Band perform for us. They were on a tour and decided to stop in at MHS...WHY?! lol...they were alright...they had a variety of instruments and made us look pretty good :)

After school, i came home with my mommy (I love her...)and made chocolate chip cookies....then i went to pick my brother up @ volleyball practice. After picking him up i went to Wal-Mart and picked up Brian Littrell's new album "Welcome Home" (check it out at www.brianlittrellmusic.com )...I LOVE U BROK!!! after purchasing this AMAZING CD, i went to Market Basket to retrieve some bread for dinner...then returned home, ate, and attempted to study for the SATs...but umm..that didnt go so well...i cant focus..:-\

SATURDAY is the date for SATs...and im semi-prepped for it..so...mehh watever..i'll be fine...I have a huge chem test tomorrow and umm...yea...im scared for that too..but im gooing to study so i dont FAIL again...:)

That's all for now...so..leave a comment if u feel the need...or just wait till tomorrow for another update...

*-*-Kat-*-*

I dont understand why people are so friggen rude...if a person says they are your friend...you would think they are...correct? Well...not at MHS..no no...i ahve been ignored more in the last two days than i ahve in the past 6 months..people suck..

all of my teachers hate me...they have to...i screw up all the time now...because i have a lot on my plate..but no one sees this...

Whatever...i give up on my life...its a waste of time.

Anyway...nothing has improved with me and my friend that is going off to the Marines. I am so afraid to let him go. oh well. this is another obstacle of my life...


That's all for now. I am going to attempt to make my life better...once i get through the band jamborree tonite..ew.

Thanks for reading...i dont even know if anyone reads these...

Life never seems to get better...i swear...someone is out to get me...i have no idea of anything going on around me. I am lost...

I try so hard to be myself, and that is never enough...i like someone, and cant tell them because im afraid that he might walk away from me. He's going to the Marines after he graduates---which means i might never see him again.

So this being my second entry seems a bit negative...i just need to let it out...im not always a grump..i just suck a lot..at life...in general...i cant say that my social life is AMAZING...because it isnt...i basically live breathe and sleep school work...im sick of it...

anyway..i think thats all for now...still no job...HA wat else is new? oh...nothing...oh well...homework calls...so i must attend to it so i dont fail out of high school...because then i would be more disappointing to my parents then ever.

Sometimes, life isnt as easy as it seems...things are thrown your way and you have to face them...

I have so many people who help get me through...and with this being my first entry...i want to thank them for always listening to me when i need them most...

especially Ashley...she's been through a lot with me...and when i say a lot...i mean a lot...believe me..Ashley..you are heaven sent and i <3 you!!! :) What the heck are those two doin in a tree??? ;)

Anyway...i have more friends i could talk about but they would probably kill me...so..those of u who i didnt write about individually, i love you all!!!

thats all for now...i think...this is only the first of many entries..so...:)

thanks for reading!! :)